There are times you feel like writing or speaking, and if you don't, you feel like you will regret it forever. This feels like one of those moments. Upon the realization of the fleeting nature of our memory, I have found so much value in writing. When I read my past writing, I am reminded of times in my life with such vivacity and am instantly emotionally transported to the specific moment in the past during which I wrote it. And, what better way to write than to share it with thousands across the internet.
I'm writing this at my graduation ceremony while my principal is speaking. But, you know what they say: when creative inspiration strikes, you just have to go with it. Considering I will be walking across the stage in an hour, let me give you what I would consider my unfiltered graduation "speech", so welcome inside my mind.
Just a quick update on how I feel: right now, my legs are incredibly sore from a series of terrible decisions about my workouts. I am mortified of my cap or honor cord falling off. Or what if I trip? Would that be funny and memorable or just terribly embarrassing? Still thinking about that one.
I wish I could tell you how I feel right now. Am I happy that it's all finally over? Sad to be leaving this stage of my life behind? To be honest, I have no clue. Somewhere in the middle, I think, or maybe neither. Both? On an occasion that is supposed to be such a huge milestone, I don't know how to feel about it. As I reflect back on my high school experience, I certainly believe I will miss a lot of things. Most of my friends know me as a nostalgic person - after all, I literally have a hotel key card collection - and so the idea of never seeing those recognizable but random faces in the hallway is terrifying. Those class friends, people you wave at in the hallway, the familiarity - I will miss that. I will miss all the good memories - ice cream runs after school, exciting microwave voyages during lunch, waiting outside class to walk to the parking lot with my friends, high school dances, and oh so many teachers (thank you for everything). But, I would be lying if I said high school was anything like the musical. I spent countless nights wondering if I could do it anymore, being absolutely physically fatigued at 3 AM knowing I had to work for a couple more hours, times where my body felt like it was giving up on me during volleyball practice, questioning my friendships, learning to deal with grief, placing my value and mental health in my grades, and so much more. And sometimes when I reflect on some of the negative, I think good riddance.
With my mixed emotions about graduation, I similarly have mixed emotions about the future and the uncertainty synonymous with it which seems to fit into my general quarrel with the passing of time. For 17 years of my life, I've been told to move from class to class, teacher to teacher, by a bell, and been given instructions by teachers and parents. With this new stage of my life, that reliable and comfortable structure begins to fade, and it's up to me to find routine. And that's scary but also pretty exciting. I might decide to write a book. Start a podcast. Create a YouTube channel? Travel the world? Who knows? As much as I can let that freedom of choice and uncertainty paralyze me, I've learned to be excited by it.
Considering I am going on the stage in 10 minutes, let me leave you with my last thoughts. As much uncertainty surrounds graduation, there is a lot of certainties that will guide me. It is certain that the world is warming up, that we have let profit trump ethics for centuries, that our criminal justice is fundamentally flawed, our social security nets nonexistent, public healthcare infrastructure broken, children in humanitarian crises everywhere. As we embark on this new stage of our lives, we can't be disheartened by this. We have to be inspired to change and use these certainties as guiding lights through a world that seems foggier and foggier, day by day.
High school has taught me a lot, and it is certain that I have grown immensely (thank goodness). So, I'm excited for this next stage of growth; with that being said, MIT - I'll see you soon.
Now, wish me luck: it's my turn to go up on stage.
Talk to you when I'm a high school graduate,
Janvi :)
Note: This was originally drafted on my Notes app on my phone, and today, the day after graduation, I went through and made a couple of changes although the message of the post is what I had intentioned to write during the ceremony. And in case you were wondering, I did not trip, and my cap and cords did not fall off! Mission Accomplished!
What a wonderful read and glimpse in to your brilliant and absolutely unpolluted mind. Having a conflicted mind and being fearful of the unknown is actually a good sign; to me it reflects an imaginative mind of an high achiever. Throughout the history of warfare, it is known & well documented that every great and decorated soldier or leader awarded gallantry medals for bravery in the face of enemy were afraid and fearful. They were afraid of dishonoring their country, losing the battle, for the life of their compatriots/fellow soldiers, and for their own life. Being afraid makes the adrenalin run high in our system and prepares us to face obscurity or the strange happenings. New school, new environment, new career, new life, or anything new is like meeting an alien till we meet this new challenge, which soon becomes the new norm (e.g. COVID life is the new norm). Every change is nothing but a new challenge and a new opportunity, which must be met. We all read and learn history, why? My take: so that we can learn lessons from yesterday, apply to our today, and thus ensure a better tomorrow.
ReplyDeleteYou will surely be able to distinguish between right and wrong when the time comes, because you shall be able to automatically plan for it, in advance. Do not fret!
On a separate note. We were fortunate to witness your graduation ceremony, even though virtually, time zone not withstanding. It was an excellent show; indeed, very well organized. We were little disappointed with your Principal's speech. Whilst giving out data on GPAs, ACT scores etc., he could have easily mentioned you as the only person with highest GPA, Missouri State Scholar, chosen for the most coveted USA Presidential Scholar Honor, even though its understood that the School does not announce the Valedictorian. Such achievements are unique and should preferably be publicly acknowledged for motivating even the future Seniors.
May be I have crossed a line somewhere, but it just couldn't be helped. Well, that was delving deep in to my mind at the time of your graduation.